Apparently Halloween is approaching quickly, and I’m still not exactly sure what day of the week it comes on because, well, I don’t keep track of days all that well. In any event, the following ten costumes will guarantee you don’t get laid at the end of the month.
But if you’re a betting man, just go for it and try to prove me wrong.
10. Nerd In A Portal
Props for thinking outside the box, but if you have any thoughts about getting laid on Halloween, try to refrain from wearing any costume that involves you having to explain why you’re not actually dressed up as a crippled guy sitting on the ground inside a cardboard box.
9. Apple Fanboy
Displaying your love for Macs (in this case, maybe just Steve Jobs) is great, but when the line is blurred and and you display what little junk you have, in addition to showing your Apple devotion, we say keep it in the carnival, buddy.
8. Gaping Vagina Guy
It’s edgy, it’s taboo, it’s an eye-catcher, but at the end of the day it’s just a guy in a gigantic gaping vagina.
7. Tampon Wielding Used Maxi-Pad
I’m beginning to have second thoughts about this one. Sure there is nothing attractive about used tampons, but stick an oversized black headband on a used Maxi Pad and you’re playing a whole different ballgame.
6. You Knew This One Was Coming…
Similar to how Renee Zellweger looks, this picture has been around the block. But alas, this costume cannot be omitted from a ‘how to not get laid on Halloween’ post.
Where it fails: The very fact that you are physically inside what you aim to get inside on Halloween guarantees that you will not get inside what you are already inside.
5. The Sheepfucker Partyboy
I don’t really know what to say about this. I mean, great costume, of course. But jesus man, you’re going home alone. And not because of the sheep, that’s not a big deal. Chicks just don’t want to see those white thighs until it’s too late.
4. The Village People
The reason why none of The Village People will get laid this Halloween is not just because each individual Village Person is a raging asspacker, no.
The real reason? Because you and your five buddies orchestrated a group theme that is sixty times gayer than orchestrating a six-man team theme already is…
Well, and because you’re a Village Person, which is just gay.
3. Michael Jackson
If there was ever a time not to dress up as Michael Jackson it would be everyday. But while dressing up as MJ on Halloween while a bunch of 9 year old boys brush past your legs looking for candy could potentially get you laid in a Michael Jackson sort of way, spending the rest of your life as a registered sex offender isn’t exactly a positive alternative to what we we’re talking about when we named this post Costumes Guaranteed To Secure A Celibate Halloween.
2. The Cup In Pants Makes Dick Look Like Vagina Costume
I understand that the alternative is showing off your tiny package to the world as it’s scooped up like a handful of pistachios by your green unitard, but wearing a cup underneath your Green Lantern costume makes your junk look like Lindsay Lohan’s vertical monkey mouth, and it won’t get you laid.
Though to be fair, I think the Green Lantern costume itself earns a trip home on the Sad Walk Home Alone Express...
1. Kim Jong-Il
Just kidding, if you can’t get laid as Kim J the aforementioned don’t stand a chance. This is probably the greatest costume I won’t see this Halloween in Santa Barbara because let’s face it, UCSB and SBCC kids don’t know who Kim Jong-Il is.
But to be fair, why would you when you’ve got sandy beaches, sunshine, booze and nappy headed hoes…
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